¿Qué Quiere Decir Triple Salchow?

LA Naca's mind was blown last night watching las Olimpiadas with LA Doctora.

We watched about an hour's worth of men's figure skating while playing several rounds of "es o no es?"

After suffering temporary blindness from sequins overload, we decided Johnny Weir would be our last show of the night.

And what a show it was!

I don't think I knew too much about Johnny before last night, but what I did know was that he did something that touched me deep in my naca core.

JOHNNY WEIR SKATED TO JUANGA!

That's right, nacos.  Juanito Weir triple toe-looped his way through a dandy routine he dubbed I Love You, I Hate You to the sounds of Raúl Di Blasio's instrumental rendition of Juan Gabriel's Hasta Que Te Conocí.

I just spent many hours trying to figure out how to embed this video into a blog, pero soy demasiada naca para entender esas chingaderas.

That being said, please enjoy I Love You, I Hate You.

.

And for the record, Juanito totally es.

Hasta mañana.

Rayitos de Amor

The Dollar Spot at Target is the biggest peso trap ever.

First off, only half the items in said spot are actually a dollar.  Many items are $2.50, so when LA Naca throws 8 Hello Kitty notebooks into the shopping cart for 6 sobrinitas and a few grown-ass friends, I get to the register thinking I'm spending 8 bucks when in actuality it's $20. ¡Qué diablos!

There's also some crazy mind-control happening at The Dollar Spot.  How else can I explain owning four desk calendars when I only have one makeshift desk made of cardboard boxes?

Now that I've been burned one too many times, I steer clear of that area, so as to avoid getting sucked into it's tractor beam.  But it's still Target, and things you never knew you always needed jump out at you and leap into your cart and beg you to take them home, like flannel sabanas, or $2 chanclas, or Optimus Prime piyamas. 

On my most recent trip to Target, I bought a picza pan. Was it necessary?  Of course not.  How many piczas have I made since owning it?  One.  Was it worth the trip?

Hells. To. The. Yes.

Why?  Because San Valentín placed before me the most naco of nacos I've ever seen at a Target, ever.  I felt such a kinship towards him, as he perused the cosmetics aisle.  I wanted to go up and talk to him about who highlighted his hair, but his vieja was there and I didn't want to cause any drama.  So, I simply admired the naco from a distance, feeling my pulse race and my soul soar.

Seeing as how I'm sin verguenza, I followed him.  I followed him out of the cosmetics section.  I followed him into the cleaning supplies section.  I followed him to the scanner, when his vieja started to notice, so I had to slow down and keep a few paces between myself and my love.  Nonetheless, I needed to capture this Hallmark Moment so you could understand why my heart was all aflutter.  Please enjoy my most recent unrequited love based solely on Cursi-inspired hair.

Amor, amor, amor

Amor, amor, amor

Quiero que me vuelvan a mirar tus ojos

 Si en una rosa estas tú
Si en cada respirar estas tú
Como te voy a olvidar
Como te voy a olvidar

 

Si te clavaste aquí en mi corazón
Y de amor has llenado mi alma
Y tu sangre corre por mis venas
Y tu sangre me hace estremecer
Iré contigo.

Si no puedo encontrar amor verdadero en el Target, ¿pos entonces dónde? 

After 7 or 8 minutes of deep consideration, the answer (possibly influenced by my home decor) came whizzing towards me like a Broxton slider: Chavez Ravine.

Amorcito corazón, yo tengo tentación de un beso...by the nacho cart.

Feliz día de San Valentín.

Hasta mañana.

Para Nosotros, Por Nosotros

To know Top Valu, is to love Top Valu.

Those of us lucky enough to live in barrios chidos like Lennox, East Los, Wilmas, Temple City, Inglewood, El Monte, Culver City, Lynwood or Whittier know just how awesome Top Valu and Valu Plus grocery stores can be, including the strip malls in which they are located.

Today, LA Naca will take you on a magical ride through the Culver City branch of Top Valu, ideally located between Mar Vista Gardens and, for those of you paying attention, Tacomiendo.

 

LA Seño calls this place "the 'hood market".  Guáchale.

  

Fruta de horno y pan dulce.  Not Top Valu's finest work, but if you're in a pinch, they got it.  Whatever you do, DON'T buy their bolillos.  Piedras tienen mejor sabor.

  

I once ate $3 worth of Top Valu chicharrones.  Hypertension is the best!

  

These jello cakes are interesting.  I have yet to try them, as I usually prefer cakes that don't wiggle.  Plus, LA Seño makes the best gelatina ever, so nothing anywhere in NacoLAndia can compare.

  

Ready-made salsas and guacamole, for the shameful.

  

Are these called churros or chicharrones?  I forget.  I hate them, anyway.

  

lalalalalalalalalalalala.

 

Espices!

  

Goya: so much more than creepy Jesus art.

Abuelita and Nesquik chocomil = Best. Aisle. Ever.  

Also, let it be known that LA Doctora, LA Santera, LA Messicana and I have been invited to an Abuelita-hosted pari en el centro.  I can't wait to post on that. 

I think I might take one of each of these galletitas to said pari.

  

Jarritos and cidral as far as the eye can see. Déjenme en paz, que aquí me quiero morir. 

No wait!

  

ADM.  Tostadas Guerrero.  Leave me here forever instead.  But you know, before I decide to get shipwrecked in the tostadas (a)isle.  I'm gonna need...

...crema ágria (I'm 100% sure the only difference between these two is the packaging.) y...

...un chingo de queso fresco.

Just very be careful when ordering cheese at the dairy counter or else you might find yourself yelling, "Bish, I said I want a 1/4 lb of Oaxaca!  How does that sound like Fresco to you? ¡Sácate el queso de las orejas, vieja!"

And while we're on the subject of leaving me on a deserted island...

 

It's not a pari without un chingo de chelas.

Top Valu has other brands of beer, but I'm not German, Japanese or from Fort Lauderdale, so they're worth mother to me.

  

Speaking of mothers...I get shivers up my spine every time I see the huge crate of corn husks.  

Tamales-making is sorely overlooked by Social Services as a form of child abuse.  LA Abogada and LA Doctora can attest to this, too. Speaking of corn products...

Grain hierarchy: the lowly pan de trigo, the just-for-norteños-y-gabachos tortillas de harina, then the almighty tortillas de maíz, all while the segregated white bread looks on from the north.

 ~

Top Valu is the FUBU of supermercados.  Puros paisas work there, puros paisas shop there.  Therefore, Top Valu offers great finds that no Vons, Albertsons or Whole Foods would ever carry.

  

I've never seen piñatas sold at Trader Joe's, or Chivas mascots, for that matter.

  

Ralphs might carry La Bella Durmiente and Rosita Fresita dolls, but Top Valu wins by carrying La Chilindrina.

  

All drugstores and supermarkets carry RID, but who is badass enough to carry MATAPIOJOS?  Ya sabes quien.

 

Even the Food 4 Less on Western and Venice only has a handful of velas on hand, plus, they're stored underneath the fruit section. ¡¿Qué es eso?! At Top Valu, velas are treated with respect.  You best believe I own one of each.

 Pozole bowls: when only the finest of china will do, especially when you're entertaining.

Speaking of which...

Entertainment at it's finest: Plaza Sésamo, Por tu Maldito Amor, Chivas USA y Capulina vs Las Momias.  Something for ever naco. I totally bought that last one. 

Now, mi gente, if I haven't successfully sold you on the wonders of Top Valu, maybe I'm not doing a good job, or maybe you're dead on the inside.  I don't know.  But here's where I whip out my greatest advertising ammo for you to visit your local mercado and fall in love with it as I have.

  

If you don't naturally have the same obsession with making guacamole as I do, you will at these prices.

Please note that if you're looking for fancy items such as Theraflu or deodorant, those are kept under lock and key, so make sure to ask one of the assistants to help you.

Top Valu...Keepin' it real for over 30 years in ghettos all over the southland.

Hasta mañana.

Dolores del Rio de Porciúncula

Does God want LA Naca to be a chola?

This is something I've been debating heavily for at least the past 48 hours.

While I do wear arracadas to every Dodger game--I'm convinced they (along with my K-Swiss) bring them la buena suerte--I don't like, nor own, Fila chanclas or Randy Moss jerseys.  LA Naca prefiere huaraches y fútbol.  What kind of chola would I be?

Please, Chuchito, I know I've recently been praying heavily to you about my career, as made evident by the abundance of Santo Niño de Atocha candles burning on my kitchen windowsill, but please don't make me become a veterana.  My tía Lupe is a veterana and that vieja desgraciada STILL uses peroxide to lighten her hair and a lighter to melt her eyeliner!  ¿¿Qué es eso??

You might be thinking, "But, LA Naca, what role does God have in making you a chola?"  Well, I'll tell you.  I just experienced Divine Cholillo Intervention.

My life changed suddenly and rather permanently this weekend while I was frying up some empanadas chinas (gyoza to the gabachos).  That's it.  Not exactly Marta Estewart difícil.  ¿Y qué pasó?  The canola oil jumped out my pinche sartén and burned my hand, creating immediate, painful blisters.  I was running my hand under cold water when I realized that Dios Todopoderoso truly works in mysterious ways.

He branded me with a trinity of strategically placed stigmata.

 

Knowing it was God's will to give me tres puntos, I immediately stopped cooking and jumped myself into my own gang.

Mi Vida Naca por vida.

Hasta mañana.

Fashion Fridays, VIII

I'm broke thanks to my obsession with Los Doyers.

That being said, I can't WAIT until I'm sharing garlic fries with Tío Tommy at Spring Training.  I might have to sell tamales, elotes, raspados and fruta everyday to pay for it, but I'll do it.  Allí verás.

So, in keeping with the Friday theme, today's chulada de playera is the greatest ever.  It's a fusion of Los Doyers, NacoLAndia, and The Greatest Country In The World.

...And it has LA Naca written all over it.

(Photo courtesy of LA Doctora.)

In case you're interested in purchasing one of these babies for yourself, I bought it at my favorite of all paisa places: Fox Hills Mall at the esports estore Fanzz.

I can't wait to wear this for my novio, Andresito Ethier de Martínez.

 

(Photo courtesy of Pax Arcana, although I will pretend it came from my nightstand.)

Excuse me while I wipe away the babas.

Hasta mañana.

La Resurrección de LA Naca

¡Ay guey!

LA Naca has risen from the dead.

I'd like to thank you for your lovely words of hope while I fought a two week battle with la mentada gripa.  In particular, I'd like to thank LA Doctora for your daily harassing phone calls and LA Abogada, thank you for your kind e-mail that reads: "Turns out, I don't care if you're sick - post!"

I truly appreciate your concern.

Lastly, I'd like to thank my abuelita, que descanse en paz.  Had it not been for her pack-a-day habit combined with my enjoyment of taking the first puffs of each of her ciggies at the tender age of 9, I might actually have fully-functioning lungs.

Ni modo.

Chronic asthmatic bronchitis is no laughing matter, except for the fact that term chronic is in the diagnosis.  Hablando de eso...according to USA Today, just a few hours ago, Los San Pancho Gigantes signed twice-Dodger Guillermo Mota, who is the winner of the LA Naca's Best Name of a Real Player in Baseball History Award.

Now, you may be asking, "But, LA Naca, is there a winner for the LA Naca's Best Name of a Pretend Player in Baseball History Award?"  Let me answer that with a resounding yes.  You want proof?  Well, here you go.

Dios mio, how I love going to The Shortstop pre-, post- and non-game nights.

¡Feliz dia de la Candelaria!  If you got the baby in your slice of rosca, well, then sucks to be you because you're forced to have a party at your mom's house for people you don't even know. Lero lero! (Unless you're LA Naca's brother, who has avoided this by digesting many a plastic baby doll.)

Hasta mañana.