That's right, I met my match: a gay, Mexican crafter. His name is Mark Montano. I love him. We're going to get married. And have a litter of babies. And watch this until it isn't funny anymore, which is never:
Bonjour, Girl! - watch more funny videos
Or maybe we just become besties and have the greatest time decoupaging la Virgen statues with sequins, tassels and glitter while watching Desperately Seeking Susan. It could happen.
OK, so my only concern about my new novio is that he might be....a pocho who doesn't speak Spanish! ¡Hijo de su madre! What am I supposed to do with that??
The truth is that he's not the first pocho in my (pretend or real) love life. After all, I'm still very much in love with Chulo Ethier, and he's a pocho! But Andre is so phenomenally pretty that I can't see the pocho from beyond the celestial rays that beam around him and his halo of curly canas. (On a side note, congratulations, Andresito, on winning the Gold Glove. I'd really like to make a condom joke right now, but I'll refrain, because first and foremost, I'm a dama.) But I digress...
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Gays. Always with the gays, esta. Mind you, I am totally OK with having a joto jusband, but if we can't have a secret language to use to make fun of others, then what's the point? Am I supposed to just STOP ridiculing people? That's impossible. In fact, I gave up smack-talking for Lent one year only because I knew once them 40 days and 40 nights were over, I was going to be as obscene as a Bob Saget celebrity roast.
So, what's a naca to do when she's fallen for a(nother) pocho? After much internal struggle, I took a hard look in the mirror and said, "LA Naca, pochos are people, too. Help them. Even the ugly ones. Love them in spite of their inferiority. Also, pluck your bigote."
Now that the holidays are upon us, I'm reminded that we're approaching the 5 year anniversary of when LA Abogada was called a coconut by her mother. No, wait. Her mom said that she wasn't a coconut, but that she spoke Spanish like a coconut. Merry Christmas to you, too, Tía.
LA Doctora and I asked Tía if we spoke like coconuts, too, and she said, "no, just LA Abogada." ¡Chin Martin! In an effort to prevent her from shanking her mom on Christmas Eve, LA Doctora and I persuaded LA Abogada to join us in speaking in an on-the-spot created language we called Coconol, a very distinct Spanish dialect, spoken very well by very few.
Now, back to my new gbf. So what if pochos can't speak their mother tongue? The pocho child can't be blamed for having shameful parents who didn't pass on the value of their ancestral language! That's not the pocho's fault! In the case of LA Abogada, she is not a pocha and she speaks Spanish. Personally, I think the holidays bring out the real putas in us which sometimes cause us to say pendejadas just to be heard. Luckily, we took what was supposed to be harsh criticism and created a cultural phenomenon! Well, that might be a bit of a stretch. But there is some growing interest in Coconol! In fact, LA Abogada even made flashcards. She made them for a coworker so that she, too, could learn this exotic language. They come complete with illustrations and pronunciation guide. I'm so happy these were inadvertently found in a drawer. (And by found, I mean stolen.)
So, in an attempt at de-pochification (and obviously to assist in the Reconquista, because that'll happen) here on Mi Vida Naca, I'm using the English/Spanish vocabulary flash cards LA Abogada made for our first lesson. Cocos, pochos y nacos unidos nunca seremos vencidos!
Let's start off with some simple terms:
1. I like = me gusta (I'm not gonna lie. I'm really hoping a "no me gusta" flashcard will be sent to me soon.)
3. question = pregunta (Quite possibly my favorite Coconol pronunciation.)
Alright, now that we have the basics down, let's babystep our way onward and upward.
(Sometimes, Coconol requires English to English translation.)
5. lovely or nice = lindo/a (Not just a woman's name. Alas, why haven't I ever met a man named Lindo?)
9. rage = coraje (MY FAVORITE FLASHCARD! Also, a term not heard nearly as often as it is seen.)
10. so much craziness = tanta locura (Do I tell her it's misspelled? What if she stops making flashcards? No, what if she shanks me for correcting her?!?)
OK, pochos. There you have it. Your very first Spanish vocab lesson. For Spanish speakers, here's your first Coconol vocab lesson. Now, what would really make LA Naca's day is if you would please create the best sentences ever using the vocab terms above. That goes for my new novio, Mark, too, should he happen to find this blog by googling himself. Muchas gracias.
Am I skipping over the fact that this is my first post this year? Sí. ¿Y qué?
Hasta mañana.
