Aguas Con Tus Aguacates

I know what you're thinking.  Yes, it's true.  Avocado does mean testicle. 

Avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which comes from the Nahuatl word āhuacatl, which means testicle. So, you're right.

On In one hand, avocados only have one big seed and not a million little ones.  On In the other hand, there's nothing more testicular than this weekend's upcoming SuperBoludos XLVIII, which, as we all know, is a 4-hour spectacle of amazingly good commercials and ridiculous musical dance sequences separated by moments of grabass between Los Piolines de Seattle and Los Denver Mafufos, all while freezing their cojones off in Nueva Jersey.

Personally, I only show up to the family fiesta for the food.  Me vale madre el partido, pero siempre llego lista pa' comer. Invite me to your pachanga and LA Naca will show up, eat your carne asada, chug your chelas and make out with your drunk tío.  What I won't do is show up empty-handed.

And neither should you, bola de sinvergüenzas.

The sure-fire way to make good with the hosts of the pari is by bringing food of the gods.  In this case, I mean guacamole.

In Nahuatl, (I know, I know. Here I go again with my fresa-talk.) āhuacamolli means ground avocados, or in paisa terms, aguacate molido. ¿Me entiéndes, Méndez o te lo explico, Federico?

To put this in nacomáticas...

āhuacamolli = Aguacate molido = guacamole

TOMA.

So, after many years of research and laziness, I've basically done the impossible.  I've perfected the art of guacamole.

If you want to follow in LA Naca's huaraches, first, make a visit to your local mercado and buy everything you see here:

Yes, I have bars on my windows. ¿Y qué?

As for kitchen supplies, all you need is a big knife and a cutting board, preferably not made of cardboard.

Step 1.  Wash everything.  No sean cochinos.

Step 2.  Turn on some music to get this pari started.

Step 3.  Under no circumstances are you allowed to touch your eyes while making this recipe.  ¿Me oyen?

Step 4.  Do all this:

Hay que cortar un manojo de cilantro.  First, cut off the ends.  Get rid of it.  Get it out of my face.  Then chop up the cilantro real fine like.  Then scoot it over to your left like this:

Next comes the fun part.

Take the jalapeño, chop off the stem, then cut it lengthwise down the middle so that it looks like this:

Beautiful, no?  OK, so here's where what you think matters.  Do you want your guacamole with lots of kick or just a little?  For lots, repeat the process to a second jalapeño and keep chopping.  If you want a medium-sized kick, just chop up one.  If you are feeding weaksauces, then take the seeds out of at least half the jalapeño, throw them away, and then continue chopping so that it looks like this:

Now move these over to the left next to the cilantro.  Now, it's cebolla time!  I only used half of a white onion, but I'm not big on onion breath, so it's totally up to you, but let's keep it real.  My way is probably better. 

Un

Dos

Tres

Scoot these over to the left, right next to the jalapeños.  I hope you remembered to take off the outside layers.  Now, come the Roma tomatoes.  

I only used two.  Chop off the ugly top part and then just go to town chopping up the rest.  Slide them on over next to the onions.  At this point, your chopping board should look the most beautiful it's ever looked.

¡Arriba el Tri, cabrones!

Now, throw this masterpiece into a bowl.  I used an 6" mixing bowl.  Nothing fancy.  You handle it however you want.  All I'm saying is, this is what it looks like:

If possible, please don't baba on your electronic devices or into the bowl.

Now, hopefully, you already have some aguacates on hand.  Maybe you have a tree.  Maybe your neighbor does.  Maybe your narco family runs the Caballeros Templarios so you get all the free aguacates you want and without shame. (If so, please wash the blood off your hands before proceeding.)  You can also do what all other paisas do and send your youngest out to buy them at el super.

As for LA Naca, well, I happen to have a supplier who hooks me up with aguacates every Monday.

Un chingo de aguacates.

Green avocados need to be ripened and are totally useless until they mature.  You know they're good when they're black.  I can already hear my comadres agreeing with me.  Go ahead and touch them in the fat, round end, opposite the stem.  If your thumb doesn't feel resistance, you're good to go!  Si todavía están verdes, ponlos en una bolsa de papel con una manzana, cierra la bolsa y déjalos en paz por una día.

Ripe and ready to go.

Now, pick up the same knife you've been using and cut it lengthwise.  Don't be a menso and try to cut through the seed.  And don't cut yourself, either.  Each one should look like this:

This is what sexy looks like.

Now, there's absolutely no need for a spoon at this point.  Put it away.  You'd just making a bigger mess.  All you have to do is just make small little cuts in the avocado...

Así se hace.

And then squeeze them out of the skin and into the bowl.

Please note that I don't have gross Megan Fox thumbs.  You're welcome.

You do the same with the other half and with all other avocados you're using.  If you don't know how to remove the pit, let my homegirl Martha show you how it's done.  Use as many as you want, but I used 4 Hass avocados.

Que chulada.

Next, I took my same knife and mixed everything together in the bowl until it looked like this:

Oro Verde.

Don't you just want to swim in it?  Naked?  No?  I guess that's just me.  Only two more steps left!  Next up, you do what all viejitas do to citrus.  We squeeze the shit out of it.

Action shot!

Now, all you have to do is stir the lime juice in a little more, add a little or a lot of salt and you're done!  

If you want, throw it in a molcajete to make it look like you're ready for marriage and you're good to go!

Muy fanci, esta.

Con una bolsa de totopos (o también se les dice ships de tortilla) y ya estuvo.

I hope you've enjoyed my tutorial on how to be the most fly guest at this Sunday's pari.  

This same recipe can be used for pari time for La Copa Mundial, Las Olimipiadas, or whatever you do instead of going to misa.  Hey, man, it's cool.  I don't judge your Sundays, you don't judge mine.

Hasta mañana.