M!erda Que Dice LA Naca

¡Feliz año nuevo que según los mayas también significa el fin del mundo!

If this is the end of the world as we know it, I'd like to feel fine, but that's all going to be determined by who winds up buying the Dodgers.  But we'll dive into that subject at another time.

Today's subject is poop, specifically pooping on the internet.

Let me preface this entry by being perfectly clear: I have zero intentions of posting a youtube video called Dos Nacas, Una Cubeta, nor will I make a vlog called Mi Vida Caca.  We all gots to pay our bills somehow, so a pay-per-view special isn't off the table.  It just will never, ever be about cerotes.

Because of the "Chet [Insert Ethnicity and/or Gender Here] Say" videos that have flooded the internets and social networking sites for the past several weeks, I thought I'd dedicate my first entry of 2012 to this meme.  Keep in mind, LA Naca is thoroughly offended by most of them, except for the ones that make me laugh because stereotypes exist for a reason.

As far as I can tell, this entire desmadre started on December 11, 2011 when this video went viral.



Hilarious, right?  Well, shortly thereafter, everyone and their madres were inspired to make their own version.  Not to sound discouraging, but if you don't have someone as choice as Julietita Lewis in your cast, chances are your video won't stack up.  She's a great actress, but most importantly, 'ta loca la cabrona.  And that is her real appeal.

She's a genuinely crazy white girl, and as we all know, crazy white people are EXTREMELY entertaining (Jerry Springer just celebrated his 20th year on the air) and do blindingly white things, like get hospitalized for exhaustion and dehydration. They throw adult temper tantrums and call them panic attacks. They also have "diseases" like acid reflux and lactose intolerance. Chuchito perdóname, pero I cannot trust a man who does not eat quesadillas.

So, back to JLew.  Back in the day, she made headlines for showing up on the Oscars red carpet with her hair in cornrows. CORNROWS. Did I mention she crazy? Now, this nutbar is also extremely talented. If you've never seen it, watch Natural Born Killers.  If not for her, then for Rodney Dangerfield.  You'll never be the same again. Never.  She's now on the new tv show The Firm based on the '90s John Grisham novel.  (For me, reading his books was like getting free legal advice, but since LA Abogada passed the bar, I don't have to read anymore, so sue me!)  Es más, for a long time, her arm candy was none other than Brad Pitt. (And I'm not talking about El Brad Pitt, the Mexican druglord whose nickname proves he either suffers from high self-esteem, or it's supposed to be sarcastic, like...calling este feo El Brad Pitt.)  Es más, this was back in the '90s in the height of his fame from Interview with a Vampire, Legends of the Fall, and People's Sexiest Taco de Ojo Alive, which means guey before he turned into Benetton Dad.

Moral of the story: Brad Pitt=Most Adorable Laugh. El Brad Pitt=Should use a mirror for more than cutting coke.

So, back to cagadas.  After Chet Girls Say was posted, which as of today, is at over 13 million views, a bunch of Santee-style knock-off videos followed. The first one I saw was what white girls say to black girls.  It was cute.  I even added it to my favorites.  Then there was what girls say to gays.  I'm not gonna lie.  That one stung.  Too close to home.

Then, all hell broke loose in brown town.  An alleged friend told me that this sounded like me.



Hija de su madre. The video is funny, but it's a lie. Esta cabrona ni yo somos españolas.  Let me esplain for those that don't understand what I'm talking about.  To be Spanish is to be from Spain, mensos.  Antonio Banderas is Spanish and yet everyone thinks he's Mexican because he's played Mexican characters for the better part of the past 20 years.

Also, how could someone think I'm a Spanish girl?  Let's go over the facts via a simple Q&A with myself:

Me: Do I have a Sthpaniard listhp?
Yo: No.  Because unlike the people who conquered The Greatest Country in the World, I know how to pronounce Cs and Zs.

Me: Am I singing you a pinche zarzuela and dancing flamenco while playing the castanets?
Yo: ¡Soy naca hasta la muerte, caramba! If imma do any singing, I'll be three sheets to the wind wailing some classic José Alfredo Jiménez advising you to steer clear of the road to Salamanca.

Me: Do I kiss the ground Penelope Cruz walks on? 
Yo: No, because that heifer has the same profile as Big Bird and I'm more of an Oscar the Grouch fan, but that's mostly based on how many Oscars I've known, biblically or otherwise.

Also, let's call an espade an espade.  There ain't nothing "Madre Patria" about this video.  If I had to guess, a Nuyorican named Usnavy had something to do with the making of this mielda.  And I live in NacoLAndia, not Espanish Harlem.

Then, I found this video which made me giggle.



It reminded me of my Penmar Park cousins, who speak neither Inglés nor Spanish well.

A few days later, I was asked if this is what my home is like.



Listen, lazy racists: this term, "hispanic", does not apply to all.  Ni a mí, ni a LA Seño. This is straight up Nica, not Naca.

THEN, someone without Mexcellence in his blood told me I'm a dead ringer for this puta.



Ay, bendito sea Dios. Never in my life have I had a pregnancy scare. NUNCA. Ni lo digas de broma. Also... Jamás en mi vida he comido Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Sabritas Adobadas all the way, son.  Recognize.

Then, today, de metiche feisbuqueando mis sanchos, I hit the jackpot.



From the delantal, to the bigote, this is me, minus the mom bit.  CMC when they poke fun of the previous video, too.

So, if you make or know of any more of these videos, don't send them to me.  Goldinacs finally found the perfect Chet LA Naca Says video.  I think you'll agree.

Hasta mañana.